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Call me Jane

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[15 Sep 2002|11:15pm]
So I'm trying to make a website because I want to learn how to make a website. I'm very frustrated.
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[15 Sep 2002|11:26am]
[ mood | groggy ]

So last night was one of the best nights I've had with non-Brooks people in a long time. It was my last saturday before college so I really wanted to see the kids before I left. Jesse promised me we would do something, so we decided to go see One Hour Photo. We were trying to get other people to come with us but Mitch was doing stuff with Lee and Sam and Mike weren't home and Brooks was in Buffalo. Finally we got a hold of Sam and she came with us. Jesse and I wanted to goto Panera first but Sam had to vacuum, so we were gonna pick her up on our way back from Panera, but then we didn't have enough time so we went to Subway instead, very good but doesn't quite compare to Panera. We ate on the way to Sam's house; Jesse is very good at driving with no hands, it was very impressive. Then we went and saw the movie. It was good I really liked it, although some parts of it made me feel really uncomfortable, but I don't know why. Then it was done and we were leaving and someone had called Sam 4 times but she didn't know who it was, so she called the number. It was the Web of Life so we figured Mike had to have called from work, so Sam called his house and his dad said he was at Cravings, so we set off for Cravings. We get there and Mike and Mitch and Lee and Jessica are all there. It was great, so we just sat around with our coffee and talked. Then Mike and Jessica wanted to smoke so we went out to the patio and as we were going out Aaron and his friend whom I've only ever heard refered to as Vodka were coming in. So they hung out with us and it was just a nice night. Sam went home with Mike so Jesse drove me home and we were talking and then we were sitting in my driveway talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and then is was 3 and we kept talking and then I ran in my house to pee and came back out and we kept talking. Then we decided to drive around town at like 4ish, it was really really dead, we just basically drove around and talked more and then we went to Giant Eagle because Jesse had to pee really really bad. He bought a Lunchable and we drove back to my house and talked some more and he left at 5. Except for my butt hurting it didn't feel like we had been talking for 6 hours. And now its 11:30 and I've been up since 10 and am very tired.

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[12 Sep 2002|09:24pm]
So I've started packing. All I needed to do to get myself started was find a system that fits my messed up thinking patterns. So now everything that goes in a box gets an inventory taken of it and then that's typed up and the box gets a code written on it and it gets written on the list as well, so i know what order to unpack them in. Sounds stupid probably but it works for me
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[12 Sep 2002|09:04pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

livejournal is being a pisser today grrrrrr

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[11 Sep 2002|02:01pm]
so i'm never going to finish the entry before this one, because i'm a lazy ass but oh well.

i should be packing right now, but i've decided packing stinks. i really just don't know where to start. there's got to be some good way to go about doing this but so far i'm not able to think of one, so if anyone would like to lend packing tips i would be much appreciative
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I'm happy for once. Yay! [08 Sep 2002|11:17pm]
[ mood | happy ]

So I expected this weekend to suck. Brooks and I were supposed to goto this party my parents acountants were throwing at the Natural History Museum. I love that museum and the chance for free admission plus free food plus a chance to get all dressed up was definately something I was into so I said that Brooks and I would go. But as things would have it Brooks had a hockey tournament in Toledo. So I was pissed that my fun was ruined but I got over it because Friday was also my last day of work!! Yay!

So after work on Friday, I went home and chilled for a while. Then I was talking to Andy and thanking him for the email he wrote me telling me to get my head out of my ass and telling me to cherish the time I have with Brooks, and then I decided that I was going to go see him play, so I ran to Borders and got a Toledo map and than got roadtrip snacks and went to bed.

Saturday I left for Toledo. Driving wasn't bad, there wasn't a lot of trafic, but there were a lot of trucks. The directions I had said it should take 2 hours and 2 minutes and I made it there in just about 2 hours, which makes me wonder how fast they assume you're driving when they give that estimated time, because I went 70 - 80 the whole way there. I got to the rink and really didn't know what was going on. I had no idea what number Brooks was or what rink he was playing in. So I just went in to one of the rinks and asked a lady what teams were playing and she told me and I asked her where Brooks' team was playing and she said the other rink, so I went over there and sat down. Then this woman came up to me and asked if I was looking for the Junior Jacks and I said yes and she said they were playing in the other rink at 12:30, and introduced herself as the mom of one of Brooks' teammates and asked who I was, and I said I was Brooks' girlfriend and she was very excited about that and took me and introduced me to all the other parents, they were just as excited to meet me. So then I started talking to the mom of one of Brooks' Ed's teammates who he had driven up with. She was very nice and I didn't feel akward talking to her at all. So I sat with her and husband during the game. Brooks' team won 3-0. So after the game he came out of the locker room and I jumped on him. :) I drove him back to the hotel and he unloaded his hockey stuff in the room and then we went to Olive Garden with all his teammates for lunch.

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[04 Sep 2002|11:09pm]
[ mood | scared ]

i'm scared yes i am. i'm crying too.

if you read my journal, which i seriously doubt that anyone does, you must be wondering, why does this girl cry all the time, why is she so scared? well i'm scared all the time because i'm leaving for college soon, 15 days to be exact, and i cry because i'm scared.

so i'm going to this university, its a quite huge university, one of the biggest in the country, and i don't really want to go, its not that i don't want to goto college, its i don't want to go to THIS college. I really don't want to go there because its huge. I'm terrified of it. It's so huge. I really wanted to goto a little school, but this was the only school my parents could afford. If it was just the hugeness that i was scared about, i would be able to deal, but its not. what i'm really really scared about is leaving behind my boyfriend.

i know that sounds ridiculous, i'm an indepepndent girl, i should be able to function without being in the same zip code as my boyfriend, but i really an seriously beginning to doubt whether or not i actually can. this isn't just me being codependent and stupid although it probably seems like it alot. i really need him around, because he's the only one who i really feel like i can talk to and a lot of the time i just need to be able to talk to him, to be able to get through the day. this shouldn't be a problem right? right? we have the newfangled internet and the old standby the telephone, so i should be ok right? i hope so, but i dunno, the phone just doesn't cut it for me, sometimes i just need to be held. thats what i'm really afraid of, who's going to be there when i need to be held? school is 2 hours away from home and so there's no way i get held everytime i need it. i have a stuffed animal from him that i can hold but holding just doesn't take the place of getting held.

theres more. i think. but i'm sleepy and can't really think.

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[04 Sep 2002|07:32pm]
[ mood | scared ]

crying again. still crying. scared again.

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[22 Aug 2002|05:47pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Ok so I'm leaving for college at the end of September. I'll be 2 hours from my house and boyfriend. Right now we plan on staying together. A few nights ago we were hanging out and he said something like "I really want to sleep over" and I said "Well that won't happen becuase you parents would never let you, but you can come visit me at college and you can sleep over." And then he said something like he'll never be able to come visit because he has stuff every weekend. I don't doubt that he has something everyweekend with hockey and lacrosse. So I got sad and cried and said "I'm never going to get to see you" and he said that I would and I didn't say anything more.

I mean I'm going to try to come home everyonce in a while. But I'm not going to have my car and a bus ticket is $30, so I'm not always going to be able to afford to. And I don't like my family, I hate being home, so the only reason I would come would be to see him.

I'm pissed off because it seems like he isn't willing to make an effort. Like I understand that he has hockey and school and stuff, but I'm sure there will be weekends where he has nothing friday night and saturday morning or saturday night and sunday morning or even just all day saturday. It's only 2 hours, its not a road trip that takes massive planning. I drove that far to see him play hockey and I don't even like hockey. I just feel like he's unwilling to make an effort. I don't want everyweekend, just everyonce in a while. Is it too much to ask for him to forgo playing video games for one weekend to come see me? If he's unwilling to make an effort to see me, I feel like we shouldn't even bother continuing the relationship.

Who's out of line me or him? What should I do?

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[14 Aug 2002|06:33pm]
[ mood | worried ]

Grandpa was supposed to get his triple bipass either thursday or friday, but they moved it up to today. So I called in sick to work because I felt like I should be there and also because I feel like crap, I have a summer cold. So I spent a good part of the day at the hospital just waiting, and blowing my nose. Eventually we find out that instead of a triple bipass they did a quadruple and that everything went ok. So we go from the surgery waiting room to the ICU waiting room and wait some more. His docotr comes in and talks to us and says that he is doing better than they expected. The nun lady at the hospital talked to us a lot during the day and kept us updated and was really nice. We finally got to go see him, but I couldn't go in his room because of my cold, so I just stood outside and looked in. It was so scary he looked awful, really pale and puffy and there were so many tubes coming out from everywhere and his arm was super bruised. It's so scary. Looking at him just made me want to cry, but I can't around my family they just tell me that he's going to be fine and that I shouldn't cry. I know that he'll be ok but I still need to cry. I really wish Brooks wasn't at hockey. My parents and uncle and grandma are eating at my grandma's neighbor's house and I know I should go too but I just need to cry first, but I really don't want to be alone. I'm so scared

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[12 Aug 2002|10:43pm]
[ mood | worried ]

My grandpa has to get triple bypass surgery either Thursday or Friday. I'm so scared.

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[12 Aug 2002|11:03am]
[ mood | worried ]

Yesterday as I was getting ready to leave for work my grandma calls and sounds really upset and wants to talk to my mom, but she was in the shower so she talked to me instead. She said that my grandpa was having tightness in his chest and they were going to the hospital. So I told my mom and she promised to keep me updated while I was at work. So I went to work and every time the phone rang I jumped. So she finally called and said that he was having a heart attack and they had to defibrillate him 5 times and they were doing a heart catherization right then but he seemed to be stable at the moment. I got so scared that he was going to die. And like 4 people came in looking for stuff to wear to funerals so all day I was mentally picking out what I was going to wear to his funeral. So later I went to Panera and got some sandwiches with the intentions of taking to my family at the hospital but I called my house and they were there. They were eating dinner when I called, steaks. My grandpa's in the hospital and they're eating steak. You;d think that at least for a little bit they'd try to eat healthier, but I guess not. So I dropped the food off and talked to them. By that time they knew that he had a couple blocked arteries, but it was caused by a bunch of blood clots because he hadn't been taking his aspirin because he had a colonosocpy. So I went to Brooks' and hung out there till he got home from work. He was so sweet, he just hugged me and tried to make me feel better, even though he didn't know what to say because no one in his family has ever had a serious medical problem, but it really was ok because I didn't know what he needed to say to make me feel better because no one in my family has ever had a serious medical problem when I've been old enough to realize the seriousness of it. I called my mom at about 9ish and she said that after they left he had been throwing up blood, because of all the blood thinners that he was on, but they had gotten all the blood out of his stomach and taken him off one of the blood thinners and he was sleeping when they got there. So I'm really afraid, I hope so much that he makes it ok.

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Self Improvement [10 Aug 2002|07:15pm]
So I've decided to improve myself. I need to shape up because I'm not being very good to me lately. Here's my list of things to work towards.
Goals for self improvement:
1. NO more soda
2. No caffeine, tea is allowed
3. No more fast food
4. Eat healthily
5. No more swearing
6. Work out regularly
7. Do one nice thing a day
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[10 Aug 2002|12:49am]
My computer crashed for the first time today. It made me sad, but I like the blue screen of death better on win xp than on win 98 because it attempts to tell you what made it crash. Apparently the drivers in my video card are being screwy

Wow I'm sure everyone's lives are better because they read this entry
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[09 Aug 2002|01:13pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I've been not good at all about writing here lately. But I should be better now, because I got my own computer and downloaded the thing that lets you just write entires without having to goto the site and whatnot so hopefully I'll be better about writing here

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[15 Jul 2002|07:35pm]
Right now I can't get my thoughts down on paper. I feel odd. I'm taking a break from writing for a while. I'll still read and maybe comment, but don't expect any entries from me for a while
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[10 Jul 2002|05:59pm]
On a happy side note, I bought postcards today, so some of you will perhaps be recieving them soon.
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[10 Jul 2002|05:56pm]
Sorry for the flipping out in the last entry. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed right now and the last thing I need is a safe place like Swimmingly completely changing on me. I'm working on a big entry to fill you guys in on whats going on with me, but its really hard so its getting written in bits and pieces.
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[08 Jul 2002|11:39pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

What is happening to my swimmingly? All of a sudden it's estro v3, and believe you me I am not pleased about that. Looking at the who's online list and seeing 40 members just makes me angry and sad, mostly sad though. I'm sad that the time of the intimate little board that I liked is over so soon. I know it will still be there, but it won't be the same no matter how hard people try to make it stay the same. I'm v pissed off that certain people have joined, namely Macedonius and Waddle. If M thinks that he's gonna walk all over everyone without a fight just because he's a guy, he's got another thing coming to him. And W she was cool at Estro, but now she's just acting like a haughty bitch and ruining threads left and right. I really wish that they had closed registration for a while. Oh well what can I do. Not much except try to preserve the pool as much as possible

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Red sour patch kids [03 Jul 2002|09:29am]
[ mood | loved ]

In a package of Sour Patch Kids I only like the red ones. The other ones are too sour, I think, even though they're all the same, I really only like the red ones. Brooks really likes Sout Patch Kids, they're like his favorite candy ever, besides these gummy strawberries that you can only get in Switzerland. So Todd brought Brooks a one pound box of them when we watched spy game, and I've been eating all the red ones out of it since them, until I couldn't find any more.

Yesterday we were watching Monster's Ball, and Couch was meowing so we stopped watching and Brooks let Couch out and I went to the bathroom and when I came out he handed me a little dish filled with red Sour Patch Kids. Yeah so I'm a big nerd and things like that make me mushy, but it was really sweet and cute.

Oh yeah and if anyone ever happens to be going to Switzerland and would like to do me a huge favor, could you get me some of those gummy strawberries, I'll send you money for them and for the shipping costs. It would be a super duper awesome thing, and I'd love you forever.

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